entry no 101

i've past the century mark! i've started writing in this blog for fun... but now, looking back, it has inadvertently became my diary... i've never been able to keep a diary all this while so i guess this is the only space in which i allowed the outpouring of my feelings... to reveal my deepest and darkest secrets... *devilish grin*

but truth be told, i've held back so many things writing this blog... i dun think it portrays who i really am... at times, i've written to portray myself as a jerk - emotionless and sarcastic... the only explanation i have is that i feel safer behind this mask... a mask which will never reveal my weaker side, my emotions...

lately, my writings have become shallow... i'm writing without passion... i'm writing just for the sake of keeping this blog alive... probably as a hope that some things in life will always be there - friendship, love, hope...

sadly, when i started this blog, it actually made me feel closer to a couple of my friends... every comment they left on my blog actually meant something to me... and that was my main purpose in writing this blog as well... now, i feel as though my blog is an abandoned structure... lifeless in all it's purpose... i'm not asking for more publicity or more comments... my readers are a select few anyway... i just felt as though the content of my writing lately defeats the purpose of my blog...

this is actually a mirror image of my take on life right now... everything seems dull, meaningless... everyday a lifeless routine that i drag myself through... no fire within me, no passion... everything that i once was interested in seems pointless these days... what is wrong with me?

i wanted someone to talk to... and there is someone at my side always... but i just can't let it out... i just can't talk... so i've learnt to keep myself occupied with studies, projects... something that i can work with logic and equations... shutting out my emotions completely...

ironically, here i am talking about that problem which i can't seem to be able to talk about... is this a fitting entry for my post no 101? this could be my last... no... i'll be back... but for now, i think i'll just fill this space with more shallow entries...

19th january 2001

i should have posted this post on the 19th of jan but due to my extremely busy schedule i couldn't find the time to (i know, it's a lame excuse) ... and now i hope that this will make up for lost times...

it's been 5 years since i started my relationship with ly... through good times and bad, we have survived the test of time for so long now... looking back at our relationship, i do realize we've had more bad times than good recently... and i know we both look back on our first couple of years together more than we look forward to our future... i dunno if that's good or bad... but i have to admit, the first couple of years we were together gave me some of the sweetest memories i've had... =)

happy anniversary...

good times...

met up with some secondary mates last night... had a good laugh and even had the opportunity to celebrate a fren's birthday... we talked and laughed all night reminiscing the good old times... thinking bout it right now, i've known these guys for almost 10 years now... and this is probably the last time we'll meet up as students...

jason and jacky is graduating after this sem... ang is graduating end of the year... i'm graduating middle of next year... by then, most of my frens will be working adults... i wonder wat will change then?

well... no matter wat changes, the past stays the same. and at times like this, i am grateful for the past... no one can replace these frens...

ps: taking a break after facing the comp for the past i-dunno-how-many hours doing my bloody lab report... =(